My friend C. noticed I was wound a
The class went a little something like this....
4:35: I arrive five minutes late. There are only four people in the class and a tiny little instructor.
The students are all sitting cross-legged and breathing deep. I start to leave but the instructor encourages me to shed my shoes and come in to join. My two pals are there with big smiles, happy that I came (for once). I was looking forward to this class because Mrs. E. and C. told me how much they enjoyed it and how relaxed it made them feel.
Everyone was wearing cool matching yoga outfits and looked good in them. I was wearing stretchy pants (the kind you wear for a Cheetos chip run) and a Bear t. shirt with a blue Gatorade stain at the top.
I sneak a glance at the wall mirror facing me. I named the mirror Medusa. Don't ever look it in the eye.
4:45: Child's Pose
The class moves into child's pose. I'm certain as a child, prior to giving birth to two 10 pound babies, I could get in this pose. However, I had slight difficulty squishing all my bits on top of my thighs, so I laid across my mat in a dead leapfrog pose.
We were encouraged to empty our minds and breathe. Oh yeah', the good stuff! Just empty my mind and let myself ReLaxxxxxxx.... oh wait. Is that the Gladiator soundtrack playing? I think our instructor is saying something profound but the crescendo drones her out.
4:46: Geez, how long are we holding this pose? I think I've breathed in and out for at least 47 breaths.
4:47: My frog legs are starting to cramp so I stretch them out and lay over a blanket.
4:50: FINALLY, we move on to another pose. I can only describe it as the chamber of death for hamstring muscles. The Half Pigeon followed by a low hamstring lunge. The teacher comes over and kind of looks at me like one looks at a painting of 'Dog Playing Poker'- I'm sure it's interesting but what is the point?
4:52: The teacher gently starts to move the bolster and then pulls more black blocks around me. It's like she's playing Minecraft or something.
I have 5"2 legs with 6"2 hips, getting me into a death stretch is going to be a challenge. She finally puts me into a deep hip and thigh stretch that we are required to hold for eternity. My kneecaps go numb for a few minutes.
4:55: I whisper to Mrs. E. 'I thought you said this was relaxing!! I'm in PAIN.' She takes one look at my sweating forehead, my awkward legs, my arms balancing on four stacked blocks, and starts to shake with laughter. Mrs. E. has a quiet laugh. Not Me. I have a gut-busting, har- har- har, LOUD laugh.
I can't get started laughing in here.
I try to get it together but a little laughter slips out. I get a few looks. I take a quick drink of water. Think about something else- the confederate flag, Donald Trump, Ariana Grande licking a doughnut, I want to lick a doughnut, oh my gosh all I can think about are doughnuts....
5:00: We move into Cat Pose with deep breaths. I sneeze loudly. Mrs. E. sneezes, and it sounds like a cat. I start to laugh again. I think I pee a little, I'm not sure.
Do. Not. Laugh. Empty. Your. Mind. Not your bladder.
I dare not look at Mrs. E. The instructor walks over because she can tell that I have lost some focus.
I love the Cat Pose. As a matter of fact, I keep doing it while everyone else moves into a different pose. Mrs. E. whispers to me that we have moved on. I look up in the mirror. I don't turn to stone but my short ponytail is sticking up like a sprig. I start laughing again.
5:10: Reclining Hero Pose
Honey, if I could do this pose, I wouldn't be making a teacher's salary!!5:12: I am laying on my back with a block under my back. My booty is boosting me off the floor much higher than the block. What is the block for?
5:13: Breath in and out. In and out. It's hard to breath when your chest is suffocating you? Yoga was invented by a man with no bust. Obviously.
5:15: We have to come up with a chant that is meaningful to us: help. help. help. help.
5:20: Corpse Pose
I lay flat and the teacher puts a black eye mask over my face that smells good.
She explains the smell gives you energy. (She may feel differently after living in the Sechrist household for a week.)
How do you feel? she asked the class. Do you feel good?
ummmmm. I don't want to answer that question while my stretchy pants are giving up to my backside. I will tell you what I don't feel. I don't feel sexy. I don't feel like Kate Hudson modeling yoga pants. I have the opposite of that feeling.
5:25: The instructor places a purple bolster under my legs and I get to lay like a dead person. I like this pose. As a matter of fact, I might invent a curvy girl yoga where we just play dead with a bolster under our legs and wear shirts that say 'I Honk for Cheese' for a full hour.
5:27: We end the session with some chants (I think). It sounds like:
5:30: Yoga is over. C. comes over looking energized. I look like someone kicked me in the alley.
"Don't worry, it's your first time keep practicing."
If I ever move my legs again, I might give it a go.
With friends like these, who needs yoga?
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