What do you do when the world is unkind to your child?
This month I have been deeply reflecting and have felt God nudging me toward lessons on grace and forgiveness. Today I have posed the question, ‘How do you forgive someone who doesn’t like your child?’
I have had so many valuable talks with my friends about some truly hard situations in their life. Even if their children are grown with their own children, the stories all share a common denominator: it hurts. My eyes always fill up with tears when I hear stories of cruel teachers, hard coaches, meaner peers, etc. I don’t mean to speak on people who have invested time, disciplined, and hurt someone’s feelings because they needed it. I mean to speak on stories where people are just mean, and in those situations a child/ teen’s spirit and enthusiasm can be completely broken.
It’s no secret that Connor came into this world with coffee in his system. He has always been loud, chatty, talkative, and hyperactive. I so relate. His father and I have worked very hard on teaching him appropriate behaviors and after years we are starting to see a mature young man emerge. Sure, he still is a boy, but it takes time to teach proper behaviors. Not all children come in the world knowing what to do.
I already have a little vault of stories I could share, after all a mom never forgets these things. In particular, I’ll never forget one time during a family event when my son, along with others, were chasing each other around and around, laughing and playing to the top of their lungs. Suddenly, Connor tipped the edge of a table and a vase tumbled off and shattered into a million pieces. Immediately, my young son did what boys do and said, ’I didn’t do it’. Any parent knows this is a very knee jerk reaction for a young boy who will immediately lie to get out of trouble. Before I was even able to get to my child to speak/ punish/ clean up glass/ etc. an adult (seriously an adult) shouted behind me “YOU DID TOO!! YOU DID IT!! I SAW YOU DO IT!! DON”T LIE.” The rest of the day went downhill from there. The more Connor tried to be a part the further he was pushed away. He didn’t even see it (but his mama did). I watched him become treated differently for the main reason he never learned the fine art of 1. sneaking 2. getting away with anything 3. shrinking his enthusiasm. While most kids say ‘that’s cool’, he says ‘Oh MY GOODNESS, that is so unbelievably AWESOME!!!”
The most painful moment of all is when I later overheard a conversation between two grown people that involved the statements- ‘Connor’ ….’I can’t stand him’ and ‘he gets on my nerves’. The second I turned the corner of the conversation it moved to a hushed whisper. To this day the memory pains me. I remember months later retelling the story to Darren in tears while I complained, ‘sometimes people just count my kid out before he has even had a chance. How could he not be liked?’ Darren was bothered by the story but very wisely stated ‘our children are not there for them. Do not give other people the power.’
Most who know my personality would question why I would even tolerate this type of behavior. The old Amanda would storm out and give those two a cursing they deserve (even if it is sinful) or in the very least point out ‘You should be ashamed’….’look how my kid tries to talk to all of you with his big smile’, ‘look how he loves you’, 'Look at his creativity and excitement!!’ ‘LOOK! DANG YOU!’
The truth is, love for others and the love of my son halted me in my tracks. Maybe God laid it on my heart. Did I want to make this worse? Did I want to cause a divide over this conversation? Did I also want to say something that I could never take back? Did I want my son aware there are people who don’t care for him? Ignorance is bliss. So I hid it all in my heart. Every once in a while the memory comes back up like vomit but I fight to give the same kind of forgiveness that I am offered daily. It’s hard to think that we need to fight to forgive. In the past, I always thought forgiveness should be easy breezy but sometimes we have to fight for it. And, it is so worth it. Christ has taught me to forgive in ways I never thought I could.
Being the empath that I am, I can sense every time a person doesn’t seem to ‘like’ my family. Even though Carlee doesn’t have the hyperactivity or chattiness about her, I can always feel when someone disapproves and feels she is a “rude little girl” for not opening up. When people tell her she has a pretty dress or that she is a sweet girl or would like a ‘high five’, she tilts her eyes downward and refuses to speak. Like with Connor, 95% of the world really does understand that kids are different but there is the 5%. My sixth sense is both a blessing and a curse. It really hurts a mommy’s heart.
This week I have spent a lot of time with my two young children who are turning into older children. Both are getting ready to start grades that will change everything. One is going into middle and coming out as a young man and teenager. One is going into kindergarten and will learn the ups and downs of being a girl in school….the disapproval, the praise, and the friendships.
To me, my children are wonderful, kind, loving, funny, sweet, and very imperfect children. They are pure 100% blessings. I have to prepare myself that the world may not love my children the way that I do and certainly not in the way that Jesus does. People think I’m ‘crazy’ for defending some of the children that I do but I know there are always strong emotions behind a child who struggles. Truthfully, I need to work on that grace for adults. Besides God ain’t playing around with directions on behavior: Colossians 3:13-14 (The Message):
12-14 So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.
Wouldn’t Satan just love for us to stay stuck in a place where we are angry, where we dwell, where we are combative, where we refuse to offer love and kindness to those who have wronged us. I certainly don’t want to be stuck in a place where I teach my children to be little jerks and get revenge ‘no matter what’ (been there done that).
Jesus was JESUS and literally did nothing wrong (ever) and He still had to deal with a mean clique. So consider even if you are perfect, you won’t be liked.
All of our children belong to God, not to us. I believe in my whole heart and soul that God made Connor the active, outgoing, and energetic person he is for a specific reason (and not just to drive me crazy). He made Carlee a quiet, observant, and hesitate person for a specific reason (and not for me to apologize for her seeming ‘rude’).
God will use and mold our children and everything else is truly secondary.
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